It's probably happened to you: something isn't quite right, or you know that if your partner did "that other thing," it would be much better, and yet you stay silent. It's not that you don't want to say anything. It's that in that moment, you don't know where to begin.
And look, talking about what you like isn't a gift that some people have and others don't. It's more about habit. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
🧠 Why is it so hard for us?
Because no one sat us down to explain how it's done.
We grew up with the idea that sex "just happens," that if your partner truly loves you, they should know what you like without you having to say it. It sounds romantic, but in practice, it's why so many couples feel frustrated in silence.
Your partner can't read your mind. Not after two years together, nor after twenty.
💞 Start outside the bedroom
Talking about sex while you're having sex is an advanced level. If you're still shy, start at another time: over coffee, while walking, or by sending a flirty message from work.
Outside the bedroom, the pressure drops considerably, and it's easier to blurt out something like "I'd love for us to try..." or "Would you be up for...?" without it turning into an awkward conversation that needs to be prepared in advance.
🔥 Use your body when words fail you
If, in the moment, shyness wins and you can't utter a single word, relax, your body also communicates. Guiding your partner's hand, changing the rhythm yourself, letting out an extra sound when you particularly like something. All of that says things that are sometimes hard to put into words.
And speaking of things that are hard to say: asking for lubricant in the middle of the act shouldn't make you feel ashamed either. It's not a patch for when something goes wrong; it's simply asking for more of what feels good, just as you would ask for slower or harder.
In fact, some couples always use it, not just when "needed," because with more glide, everything is more enjoyable. It's an extra, not an urgency. So if you feel like it, say it directly.
✨ Turn conversation into play
There are days when talking seriously just doesn't flow. In those cases, try not to be serious.
There are card games made just for this: questions and challenges that gradually bring up the topic, without either of you having to be the one to "start the uncomfortable conversation." One we know is En Sintonía, designed with a sexological basis to gradually reveal, question by question, exactly what is difficult to say all at once.
Sometimes it's not about needing more trust. It's about needing an excuse to get started, and a game perfectly fulfills that function.
None of this makes the shame disappear overnight. But every time you dare to say what you want, the next time it costs a little less.
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Written by Dr. Pablo Vallejo-Medina, sexologist and PhD. Learn more about his work at pablovallejo.es · ResearchGate · Google Scholar · YouTube · LinkedIn · ORCID